im so fucking pissed off stop making me out to be this horrible bitch. FUCK YOU YOU ARE HORRIBLE. RUN OFF AND BE HAPPY WITH HIM THEN
im freaking out right now. ive been super anxious and depressed since i’ve been back. i dropped my class today just because of my anxiety which makes me furious. i just didnt go out because i need to do stuff for my future but what am i really doing? im losing friends im freaking out that im losing friends. i bring everyone down around me. its been a constant in my life even my mom tried to warn me. i thought i had finally found the people i was supposed to be friends with all along and im messing that up too. great. ill lose my boyfriend. ill lose my roommates. im going to be alone. maybe thats best so i dont mess anyone up. im so sad. and im not standing up to my challenges. im just so frustrated.
i thought writing here would help me. but now i cant find the words. its weird that they come so much easier and seem so much more necessary when im talking to someone else. i dont know whats wrong with me. ive lost all sense of humor. idk if i should have gone abroad….i dont know i dont know. i should have gone somewhere other than australia. i should have not been so attached to him. idk what i want. this semester was supposed to do that. i failed. and now i want to go analyze this to someone which this is supposed to be deferring me from. im scared to tell my parents how much money i need. i should NOT have gone to thailand. im so fat im so poor im so lonely im so bored and the problem is thats not going to go away when i get home…ill do the same there. why am i not living life to the fullest?!
idk WHAT i did this time but im so done with this. either youre my friend or youre not and as of right now youre not. dont act like you care. dont tell me its not your intention. then not even act like you know who i am?! im am seriously the biggest fool ever that i do this and everyone around me recognizes that and im pretty sure you dont just recognize it you use it to your advantage and you LIE about it…i HATE being lied to. and i think its horrible that you begged me to let you come over and settled to just lie with me and this morning i felt ashamed for asking you to stay over not even for that reason and you made me feel dumb for that.
a lot has happened since i came back to school and with it has come the fulllllll range of emotions…from feeling like im going to have the BEST year ever to wanting to disappear forever…and its only been 2 weeks.
last night was one of those strange nights…i was notttt okay with dirty dancing and actually cried over it…who am i? and i hurt kara by showing her the text and she experienced really drunk me and im pretty sure i destroyed what our friendship was becoming…typical…but how the fuck does she always get the guys…or better yet how do i not? i try so hard which might be my problem but its not trying hard in others standards so i think i should be fine…how is it that i got guys when i had a boyfriend? kara has a boyfriend! she doesnt need them! and she doesnt even realize it…
i loveee my roommates although i dont think annie likes me and im so fucking awkward i cant stand it i hate tha ti dont have confidence in myself…ive gotten so close and i think that was part of the problem last night is that i felt above the sluttiness which is awesome its just im still not getting anyyyyone i just want someone worthy to at least put forth the effort…i thought i had made huge strides and now im just all depressed again…not cool
but today made me realize how much better i am than you (MO) like forreal. you. are. an. asshole. you have become a druggie and you swear you wont do more but i know you will because you said that about getting drunk and you said that about weed…and your fucking excuse was weed was cause youre black? puhlease get the fuck over yourself. here i am worrying about my friend situation but im a NORMAL nice person…im shy and im way overemotional but im not you. i dont know how you have so many friends. and frankly a decent amount of your friends are douchebags too. i wish i hadnt dated you freshman year. yes i loved it at the time and i loved you and for some stupid ass reason i still love you. but you have stooped so low. i want you to be my friend but why do i? you. treat. me. like. shit. evvvvvvvvvvveryone tells me i can do better so why dont i? what is it about you? youre so fucking dumb, youre not attractive, you are actually horrible to me, you only want to be friends when you want to fuck and THEN you have the audacity to do it over and over and when confronted you deny it til i fuck you again well im gonna fuck you over so badly…you didnt even acknowledge me today. COOL. youll be a decent psychologist if you get there but a lot of me doubts you will EVER be successful…start dealing.
what is wrong with me? what happened? why dont i have friends anymore? im so messed up im trying not to right now
A Chemical Romance